In an unprecedented turn of events, our tech reporters have managed to lay their tech-obsessed fingers on a prototype of Apple's rumored augmented reality glasses. Forgive the tremors of excitement in the prose; this is as big as having the Holy Grail on your kitchen counter and using it to serve breakfast cereal.
According to Apple, these unassuming specs will not just revolutionize the way we interact with technology but will also provide each user with their own personal "Reality Distortion Field." Yeah, it sounds like something out of a Philip K. Dick novel, right?
Preliminary tests reveal that this Reality Distortion Field – which, to be honest, is just a pompous way of saying "stuff looks different" – is the crowning feature of the glasses. They literally let you swap out the dreariness of your everyday life for a cleaner, shinier, Apple-approved version of reality.
Tired of your drab studio apartment? Just say, "Siri, make it a penthouse," and instantly find yourself in a sprawling loft with floor-to-ceiling windows offering breathtaking cityscape views. Warning: Attempts to dive into your new luxury infinity pool will result in bruises.
Gone are the days of struggling to navigate Google Maps on a tiny screen while driving. Just slip on your Apple glasses, and suddenly your road is a vibrant rainbow trail, like a fever dream of Mario Kart, leading you directly to your destination. Disturbingly, tests have shown that this feature also replaces other drivers' cars with cartoonish go-karts, leading to a jarring dissonance when someone flips you off.
For the introverts out there, the glasses even offer the ability to replace any imposing social interaction with more comfortable scenes.
In our tests, tense office meetings turned into casual beach gatherings, and nerve-wracking first dates transformed into quiet nights in with a faithful golden retriever.
This device comes with a much-needed mute button for reality. The next time someone starts talking about their paleo diet, you can literally replace their drone with the soothing sounds of a tropical rainforest or, for the more cinematically inclined, the iconic dialogue from your favorite movie. Our testers particularly enjoyed turning tedious small talk into dramatic Godfather monologues.
While the glasses do offer an Apple-branded escape from reality, there have been some unforeseen side effects. One tester hasn't taken off the glasses for days, insisting that his reality is "just too much fun."
Another tester, after using the glasses to turn his boss into a giant chicken during a meeting, was left in uncontrollable laughter and had to be taken to a therapist.
Of course, for a true MadeUp.news reporter, the Reality Distortion Field is redundant. We've been seeing the world in a twisted light for years now. For the rest of you, though, these Apple glasses might just be the ticket to a less ordinary life.
As long as you don't mind occasionally walking into walls.