US Government Announces New Post: Secretary of Rewriting the Past
Dust off your rose-colored glasses and prepare to revisit the past - but not as you know it!
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In an unprecedented move that has historians and conspiracy theorists alike grabbing their popcorn, the US Government announced the creation of a new position: Secretary of Rewriting the Past.
"The Secretary of Rewriting the Past will play a crucial role in streamlining the nation's understanding of history, ensuring it aligns better with our contemporary comfort levels," the White House press secretary stated.
Candidates are reportedly being assessed on their ability to use rose-tinted glasses, their proficiency with a white-out, and their aptitude for the game 'Telephone'. An anonymous source also mentioned a crucial 'time machine operating' skill, but that could not be confirmed at press time.
The news was received with mixed reviews. Some citizens welcomed the change, hoping that their past indiscretions, like their cringe-worthy high school phase or their decision to invest in Beanie Babies, could finally be erased. Others, however, expressed concerns over the implications for reality as we know it.
"I've always wanted to get rid of my mullet from the '80s," said Florida man Hank Anderson, "But if they start messing with the timeline, who's to say we won't end up with velociraptors running the DMV?"
The White House has yet to announce when the Secretary of Rewriting the Past will start their duties, but some swear they remember this already happening last year, or was it ten years ago?
