Politics

Donald Trump Rebukes Son's Claim, Cites Gazelle-like Speed and Nuclear Energy as Proof of Youth

Don Jr. Accused of Mutiny, Trump Senior Swiftly Retaliates with New Identity: Half Gazelle, Half Nuclear Reactor, All Spry

Trump, apparently not content to simply dispute his son's ageist claims, sought to underscore his virile vigor by comparing himself to one of the animal kingdom's most nimble creatures and humanity's most potent power source. "I’m as spry as a gazelle and twice as quick! More energy than a nuclear reactor!" he proclaimed, leaving the public to ponder if this was merely metaphorical bravado or a surprisingly literal admission of a hybrid gazelle-nuclear DNA splice.

Librarians Stunned as Hunter Biden’s Cocaine Outperforms Bestsellers in Weekly Checkouts

We've had to implement a new section in our checkout system just to keep up with the accidental cocaine findings.

President Biden dead at 80, Ghost Continues To Stumble on White House Stairs.

Biden's presidency continues to trip up over familiar obstacles.

Russia's Top Obituary Writer Takes on Challenge of Describing Prigozhin's 'Natural Causes' Death by Polonium Milkshake

Dairy Doom: 'Putin's Chef' Yevgeny Prigozhin 'naturally' succumbs to a lethal radioactive milkshake in Russia's most shocking lactose intolerance case yet.

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